


A Year In Exile

by meikahidenori



Series: Thunderbirds are go AU [5]
Category: thunderbirds are go
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 13:12:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7716091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meikahidenori/pseuds/meikahidenori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year in exile</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Year In Exile

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Implies attempted suicide. please do not read if you are emotionaly vunerable, it does tug at the heart strings.
> 
> also couldn't think of a way to end it... might edit it in future when I can think of an ending.

Year in Exile

 

(Alan: 13, John 21, Virgil 19, Scott 23 & Gordon 18)

“How is that even possible?”

“I would have though the blood would have rushed to his head by now.”

“Maybe that's why he thinks he's flying a spaceship in his sleep.”

Gordon and Virgil where standing by the piano, watching their youngest sibling Alan sleep upside down on one of the living room couches. His hands were moving as he slept as if he was going through the motions piloting the spacecraft he had been learning to fly in his time at NASA during his time as a junior cadet. Their father had to relent to it and in one way it kept Alan out from under his feet for a whole year. Jeff may not have agreed to John giving him the lessons or liked the idea of them, but even he had to admit that his second eldest son knew his stuff.

“How long has he been at it do you think?”

“Who knows? Maybe a few minutes... an hour?” Virgil shrugged. “Honestly have no idea. I touched down home same time you did. This is totally new to me.”

“If this is what happens when he's been around John on his own for a whole year then I'm curious to know what we are like when we are asleep.” Gordon gave his older brother a funny look. “Afterall we spent time visiting him while we did our studies from time to time... maybe he brainwashed us in our sleep?”

“Your being over dramatic Gords.” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“You're just saying that because you're dreading spending time with Scott learning how to fly.”

Virgil poked out his tongue. Truth be told Scott was having to learn to fly two different machine set ups, one of which he had to sit in a simulation with John for over three hours just to figure out how to ignite the engines. Sure, John had programed the damn things but it didn't mean he was ever going to have to learn the machines theoretical layouts either.

“You're going to have to learn to steer those extra things dad said that are suppose to be assembled together on the spot.. we all are.” Virgil smiled. “I heard those things are going to be confusing as hell.”

“Well they certainly made the controls on the submarine layout fairly interesting i'll give them that.” Gordon scuffed a foot on the floor. “I don't think Brains has ever seen inside a one man submersible before, but damn it's a nice and clean set up when you sit in the simulation. You can see where John really got the coding to replicate it... I mean the real deal looks amazing... I can't wait to finally be able to sit in it. Few more practice sessions and yeah.. we're all sweet to go.”

“You and Alan both by the looks of it.” Virgil chuckled.

They watched Alan a little bit longer until they could hear their father's voice waffle in from his office. He'd been talking to someone in there since they both got home, and since Scott was out with their Grandma on a shopping trip to buy things for the whole family's home coming it had to be John. For once it wasn't angry, but it still sounded pretty strict and serious. Both of them were curious as to what trouble their elder sibling had gotten into now... it seemed to be a great deal these days as far as they were concerned.

Eventually their father emerged and greeted them with a smile, looked at Alan slightly baffled before shaking his head and walking downstairs to the kitchen. Whatever he had been discussing must have been something fairly interesting if their father wasn't going to greet them with the usual formalities he usually did.

John walked out after a few more minutes, his expression rather impassive and unreadable. It softened when he looked up from the floor and saw his brothers whom he hadn't seen for a few months.

“Hey, did you guys have a good flight?”

“Could have been worse.” Gordon chimed in cheerfully with an answer lined up straight away. “Could have had Scott flying us in.”

“I'm sure he'd find that amusing Gordon.” John smiled sarcastically. “How you feeling anyway? I'm sorry I wasn't able to visit you in the hospital after the crash.”

Gordon noticed the guilty expression flicker for a moment on his older brother's face and felt he should put him out of his misery.

“I'm fit and as game as ever Johnny, no need to worry about me.”

“You were laid up in hospital for six months. I think I have every right to worry about you Gordo.” John rubbed his arm without thinking, a nervous habit he picked up when something had happened that he wasn't present at to stop or at least, make sure the person hurt was alright. Virgil knew it was a sign that their father had interfered preventing John from doing what he usually did which was try to come to the rescue. He wished their father just gave up already and just let John be the person he always had been, the brother that was always there when you needed someone.

Usually Gordon forgot all about that stuff, but for once he let it slide. Maybe he had a pang of pity on his brother for being chewed out the second he got home over something or another, or he was a better reader of John's expression and body language than Virgil assumed he was, Gordon didn't seem too upset over the whole thing.

And there it was, the other awkward thing that John did when you knew he was just following orders from their father, something Virgil had seen on more than one occasion in the past few years... the hesitation on whether he was able to physically interact with his siblings on a personal level. It was as if his brother had forgotten what it was like to give someone a hug. In the end he just gave Gordon a tight squeeze and then quickly let go as if he was afraid someone might be watching.

Virgil looked back at Alan as he couldn't look at John anymore as it was just an alienating sight to have his more caring and affectionate sibling acting as if they had all suddenly caught some kind of disease. He was forced to when he realised John had spoken to him.

“Sorry, wasn't listening.” he quickly apologised.

“It's ok Virgil. I'm sort of used to it by now.” John gave a half hearted smile, but didn't re-ask his question again. John patted his shoulder and then walked over into the inner cut out part of the living room where the chairs and the holographic coffee table were and sat next to Alan, gently giving the youngest brother a nudge.

“You're sleep flying again Alan.” he said softly, amusement in his features. The expression was more alive than the ones he had shown his other brothers, mostly because around Alan John didn't have to pretend to be anything else other than himself. He didn't have to pretend their words or their father's words hurt from time to time, he didn't have to struggle to be worth something to Alan because he already was. Nothing could change the way Alan saw him except their father who despite trying hard to wedge them apart when John left to study and work in the states only to have it blow up in his face when John almost died the night he sprung his intentions to run a rescue organisation on his other sons. He didn't bother much after that, despite his disapproval of John, Alan wasn't going to fall for it again... however it didn't mean he had other ways of separating his sons.

Alan stirred and smiled when he realised it was John trying to get his attention. The younger Tracy didn't have much to smile about these last few days. John was going to have to leave him and that made him sadder the closer to the day it got.

“Dad moved it to this afternoon.”

“What? But Scott isn't even here yet! We haven't even started setting up for his birthday!”

“I know... but what dad says goes remember? Otherwise you won't be allowed to help with the rescue things dad is going to get the others to do. Besides, this is your chance to show him you're capable of doing something on your own. Think of it as your turn to finally prove yourself.” John let out an amused huffing sound.

“I don't really want you to go... it's going to be lonely without you here.”

“I don't know how Alan, everyone else will still be here.”

“You won't be. I know dad's not going to send anyone up to relieve you from there... I don't trust him.”

“I will try to get him to see reason Alan.. I don't really want to be left there indefinitely either.”

Gordon and Virgil both watched the interaction and then looked at each other. Something was going on and they were beginning to suspect it wasn't anything good.

**

“Ok Alan, you ready?”

“F.A.B John.”

“Right, now carefully pull out of the docking bay and head back to earth. You can do this, I know you can.”

“Do I have to? The space station is huge! I could stay a little longer, they are not going to miss me at home.”

“No Alan, you should go back and enjoy Scott's birthday.... at least what's left of it.”

“It's not going to be the same without you.”

“Sure it will... it's not like I do anything special.”

“You keep Scotty from getting into trouble, that's tons as far as I care.”

John laughed over the comm feed. “Nah, he doesn't need me to shadow him on his birthday. Now go Alan... before dad calls here again.”

“Alright. Please be safe up here Johnny.”

“You too Alan. Going to miss you all.”

John sighed as he looked out the glass window of the gravity ring of the huge space station called Thunderbird five and watched his brother in the large red rocket disengage from the stations docking bay and release it's claws from the ring and fold back to make the ship more streamlined for it's return trip back to earth. It was a beautiful sight, one John was going to burn into his memory as it might be the last time he was going to see his youngest brother for a long while. He even found himself waving even though Alan wouldn't have seen it.

“Goodbye earth.” he whispered, placing his hand against the cold tempered glass, before resting his forehead against it. All his life he wanted to be amongst the stars and now... he wasn't so sure. At NASA when he was doing a launch he at least knew he'd eventually get the chance to walk under a real sky when he was finished his repair shift at the international space station... now he had no idea when he was ever going to feel the warmth of the sun's rays, smell cut grass and the chlorine from the pool. The last year training Alan had been fun, being able to share the very universe with someone was special, something he knew he might not ever get to do again.

He watched the red ship vanish into the distance back towards the planet and started to already feel homesick. He had a job to do up here so he better get it started as soon as he could.... just after he could get his thoughts together.

**

John 21, Virgil 20, Alan 14

Virgil was tampering with the communications network in the living room. The tiny little hub computer he carried in his pocket was carefully checked and recheck to see if he could obtain a signal. His birthday had been alright, but there had been something... or rather someone missing from the whole experience.

John had left to do things on the space station for several months now, leaving on Scott's birthday and completely missing Alan's thirteenth. Virgil was determined that his older brother was not going to miss out on his. Alan was upset that John didn't call at all and Virgil discovered that it wasn't by choice this morning when he tried to contact him from their father's office.

Virgil found a few unlabeled audio data slates in one of the desk draws, dated for Alan's birthday. He had sat down with Alan in the kids bedroom before the party with him to listen to them and both of them got a nasty shock with what they contained.

They were messages from John. Not just any messages, but ones of him trying to get through to wish Alan happy birthday. One of them even had their brother in tears when he himself had realised that he was never going to get through to talk to anyone at all on the other end of the line.

That was in March. He had only been gone about a month... now it was August and the only contact they had with John was when their father got a rescue mission for them to attend to and even then it was minimal as their father got all the information sent to him and the just left John to sit it out. The downside to this was if anything changed their father didn't know and some rescues had ended up disasters. They really needed John to be more involved as the eyes and ears of these things, but their father was convinced otherwise.

Virgil was more determined than ever to talk to him, to find out if his brother was alright.

Virgil had spent a large portion of his birthday sitting out on the roof, the second story was accessible from the top level balcony and even though it was slanted, it gave the best view of the sunsets over the ocean and the most beautiful place to watch the stars. He found himself out there a lot of late without his drawing books, finding that without John sitting there reading beside him, motivation just flittered away. Sometimes Alan would climb out and sit with him later at night to watch the stars in silence, something that was unusual for him as talking about the night sky and it's constellations was something Virgil didn't mind listening to. Again... it was because John wasn't there with them.

Frustrated with more static than before Virgil was about to reach under the holotable and rip out the wires and start all over again when a voice came through, mid sentence.

“...I'm even sorry that I'm not there to make the stupid damn cake. I know Grandma will buy you a chocolate one because everyone else likes it, but I know for a fact you'd rather a Strawberry one with vanilla icing. You know, that's one thing you can't do in space.... cook food. I know it's probably the middle of the night down there so you might be watching the stars with Alan... at least I'd like to think you still are....I miss you guys terribly.”

“John!” Virgil hissed at the little device. “It's me Virgil! Can you hear me?”

There was a pause. “Virgil? Wholey hob-knobs how the hell?! Are you in dad's office? Did the call actually come through this time!?”

“Calm down John! I just hacked the communications network. I wanted to talk to you.... it's been pretty boring without you here you know?” he relaxed a little. “Been missing you.”

“Missing you too Virgil. Missing all of you, It's too quiet up here. How was your birthday by the way?”

Virgil smiled. Typical John, getting right to the point. He stood up and started heading towards the stairs to the bedrooms while he continued to talk. “Pretty basic. Had the fellers from where I had been working over... boy they can drink!”

“Get many good presents?”

“If you call gift cards presents.”

“Surly Alan, Gordon and Scott gave you something nice?”

“Alan tried to make me a cake as dad hasn't really let him off the Island since you left. He's going a little stir crazy... Gordon bought me tons of art supplies although he never ever gets the one thing I really need which is damn mix media paper and Scott was the one who organised the fellas around so I guess that's a gift in itself.”

“I guess it was rather a good party then?”

“Sort of... I hid on the roof most of the day.”

“How come?”

“Because.... it was a nice day... and I was sort of hoping to see you walk out onto the rooftop to sit with me.”

“Oh Virge...” he could hear his brother's voice breaking. “I.. I'm so sorry.”

“It's ok. I heard you arguing with Father a few days ago. Dad hasn't got any volume control when it comes to talking to you.”

“What's new?”

“I didn't hear much, but I got the feeling you were asking to come down.”

“Yeah....” John's voice trailed off.

“Sounds really stupid, but I had hoped he relented.”

“It doesn't. I've been sitting here by the console holding onto that damn photo you took when you were eighteen and we stopped over in Knoxville at the Johnny Cash museum... I guess I'm as bad as you sitting on the roof all day huh?”

Virgil found himself smiling more as he slipped into his bedroom and closed the door. “Yeah I guess we're both idiots.”

“Wouldn't have said it like that, we just... need the old fashioned company.”

“Would you be able to sing a song for me.. like old times?”

“Maybe... what do I get out of it?”

“The satisfaction your younger brother will sleep happy and feel safe tonight on his birthday.”

There was a sound that was almost a chuckle. It was warm and friendly and it made Virgil wish his brother was in the same room right now to give him a big hug.

“One problem... I don't know any Johnny Cash.”

“It doesn't matter anything is fine... as long as it's from you.. your voice.”

“Alright. Just one. Don't start crying on me though ok? I can barely keep it together on my end and this might just tip it.”

“Promise.”

There was an intake of breath before John started to sing. Occasionally it was blurred by static, but Virgil didn't care. He still needed to hear his brother's voice for the security it gave.

“ Exile... it takes your mind, again. Exile... it takes your mind... again. You've got Sucker's luck, Have you given up? Does it feel like a trial? Does it trouble your mind the way you trouble mine?”

Virgil listened in silence till his brother had finished. By the end he was hugging one of his pillows on the bed, trying not to cry. He promised.

“You still there Virgil?”

“Yeah.. still here John. Thankyou.”

“No worries Virge.”

“You sound sad John.”

“You could say that.... I just really want to come home.”

“I want you home.”

“I know.”

**  
John just on 22.

Grandma Tracy shoved Jeff aside. “For the last time, Son... when are you going to grow up? Your own son is all alone in space on his birthday, you could at least let someone call him to make sure he's alright.”

“He'll be fine mother. He always is. I wouldn't trust him up there on his own otherwise.”

“Jeff you have had it in for that boy since Lucile died... and now you're just taking advantage of him.”

“I don't see how giving him what he's always wanted 'taking advantage'. He's loved space since god knows however long... he is fine up there I assure you.”

“Just let me speak to my Grandson Jeff. If it wasn't for him being born you wouldn't have pulled through from your accident. Your tiny little miracle is a tall, smart young lad now... it's time you treated him like it.”

“Fine, I'll hook you up for a while. And just for the record, he gets all the respect he deserves mother. No more, no less than his brothers.”

“Somehow I fail to agree with you on that Son.” she sighed. There were times she really wished Jeff would see things from her point of view.

Jeff turned the holo screen on in his office and pressed a few buttons so the call would connect through to the space station. “I'll leave you to it.”

“Aren't you going to say anything to him?”

“No.” he walked out of the room and before closing the door he added, “It's already been said.”

“Hello? Dad? How come you're calling me? You never do that...”

Grandma Tracy watched on the holographic projection as her second eldest grandson struggled to wake himself up. He looked terrible, like he had not been eating or getting any real sleep other than random napping here and there.

“It's me Johnny, Grandma... I'm calling to wish you a Happy birthday.”

“Some birthday... but thankyou.” John sounded as sickly as he looked.

“Are you feeling alright Johnny? You look awful.”

“I've been sick. That last lot of supplies that had been sent up have made me ill. Can you send one of your rock cakes up next shipment run?”

“Ok, who are you and what have you done with my Grandson?”

“I'm serious Grandma, I havn't been able to eat anything for the past three days without bringing it all back up. I haven't been able to shower since... hell knows how long... I'm glad I can't smell anything.... I really just want to come home... I'm sorry Grandma.”

Alan had heard his brother's voice and had snuck into the room, sitting down in front of the desk on the floor where John couldn't see him in the holographic projection. Grandma Tracy was tempted to shoo him out, but figured that just hearing his brother's voice was probably going to cheer Alan up after the amount of moping around he had been doing since Virgil's birthday. She just wished it wasn't when John was in a bad way.

“No need to be sorry. I understand that you might be missing your brothers. They are missing you a lot you know.”

“I thought that this would be ok Grandma... but it's no different to living in the states and being told I can't come to visit on my holidays. This is supposed to be a great experience, but it feels like a prison designed just to lock me away. I'm not even allowed any books up here! What am I supposed to do to stay sane? There's not even a telescope up here to explore anything! Why does dad always keep trying to put me in a box out the way Grandma? What have I ever done? Please tell me what I've done to make him hate me so much?”

“Johnny please calm down sweetie.”

“Calm down? Grandma this is the first genuine emotion I've been able to feel all week! I think dad's got something in the food... I haven't been able to feel anything since Virgil's birthday...” John's voice trailed off. “I just want to come home. I miss not being able to take a shower, sleep in my own bed, reading books, cooking stuff... heck I miss using a REAL toilet! I miss spending time with you... talking to Scott, singing along to music with Virgil and even watching Gordon swim laps around the pool! Most of all I miss Alan's warm smiles and his hugs and all his silly little games.... I want to come home... why can't I? It's not fair!” the signal was cut suddenly, and Grandma Tracy shouted at the holoscreen as it went blank. John must have thrown something at the one on his end as it wouldn't have gone dead as fast as it had otherwise.

She peered around the desk to see little Alan hugging his knees, looking a lot sadder than before. He looked up as she sat down beside him and put her arms around him.

“Dad has to let him come home sometime... he promised.” Alan said softly. “He promises every day... and everytime I belive him... why does he lie to me?”

“He thinks he's trying to protect you.”

“But why from Johnny? He has never done anything to hurt me or anyone else.”

“I don't know Alan. I wish I knew. I really do.”

**

“Hey dad, it's been almost whole year...... I think I've almost got all the stuff set up here in the space station... is it ok if I finally come down for christmas?”

“Well son, I think we still need to wire in the other machines and their software so you might need to stay up there so Brains can patch them through.”

John sighed. This year had been the second time he missed Alan's birthday, something Alan had been rightfully upset at him for it. Same with Virgil. His heart broke when he got to talk to Virgil for that brief few hours his brother managed to hack into communications... it was when the serious depression started. Heck, only Grandma Tracy had spoken to him on his twenty second, she ended up trying to try and justify why no one else was going to say happy birthday. He really needed to come down for some sort of social occasion sooner or later.

John totally lost his temper that day, smashing tools into the main console controls he was suppose to be hardwiring, making his job take even longer. Now he was expected to stay up there and miss christmas?

“It's not going anywhere dad. I can come straight back up and finish on boxing day.”

“No it won't do, you need to stay up there so we can send you the other components.”

John slammed his fists on the communication panel. He hated fighting with his father, he had done so when he was forced to hide secrets about his father's intentions of International Rescue. It didn't end well then either.

“Damn it dad! I miss being at home! Can't you just let me see everyone at least once?” John shouted over the intercom. “I've already had everyone mad at me at least once this year, If I don't show they're going to think I'm the worst person in the entire universe!”

“John, we agreed that if you wanted to still be a part of this organisation you are to do what you are told. You are to stay put and that's final.”

The com had been shut off leaving John alone up in space with his own thoughts. Several times over the year he had wanted to just walk outside and just let the lack of oxygen take his life away. He sat back against the floor... or wall.. whichever, it was hard to remember what was the right way up in space once the gravity was turned off, and tried hard not to break down. Everytime he spoke to his father they had some sort of a fight and John was tired of it. Tired of being lied to, tired of being shut out and excluded, sick to death of his father trying to keep him away from his brothers... the list went on.

He could always try begging his father again, hoping to appeal to his better nature. He needed to get off this space station. He had been violently ill more than once and when he tried to figure out why he discovered the food he was being sent up to eat was laced with stuff similar to anti-depressants. No wonder he had periods where he couldn't feel anything when he knew he should have been angry or upset or just in tears. He had pulled apart some of the tools he had on board and had started experimenting on himself and his own pain threshold and discovered that it was far higher than normal. What else was there for him to do once he finished repairs? Besides, he was making pretty little patterns along his arms...

He leaned back and banged his head a few times. What on earth was he trying to do to himself? He knew if he tried anything he'd be no better in his father's eyes... and then... there was Alan. The only reason he was hanging on right now was because of his little brother and how much he wanted to hug him when he finally got to touch down on earth.... and then maybe Virgil as well... the big guy still needed John to sing him to sleep occasionally...

John kept thinking how much better off they would have all been if he didn't try to be a part of their lives... and how much easier this decision would have been. Maybe dad will eventually give up on this stupidity and let him touch down home and feel the sun on his face and the sand between his toes.. and the warm affection for his brothers.

'Meteor shower in vicinity in five minutes.'

John pulled himself up. Sure there was nothing for him other than work to do on board the station and listen for incoming emergency calls, but you could always rely on the universe to give you a show to cheer you up once in awhile. He stood up and walked along the bronze coloured steel corridor and into the communications hub where usually the gravity was turned off, but after how sick he had been from the food he had been sent up on previous deliveries he had the gravity turned on as he wasn't about to chance it. He opened the hatchway that lead into the gravity ring and walked around it until he could see the metor shower streaking across the emptiness of space, passing by the earth.

It was beautiful. He wished his brothers could see it. Right now Virgil and Alan would be sitting on the roof of the house looking up at the sky to watch the light show. John placed his hand on the cold tempered glass, trying to imagine sitting there with them. He forgot that his hands were covered in blood and streaked the glass with it.

“He John... can you hear me?”

John looked around. He must be going crazy. Either that or he left the intercom on... but it shouldn't be working in the gravity ring as it had not been switched on in there.

“Johnny? Can you hear us up there?”

John looked up at one of the many cameras that was fixed to a rail inside the space station. They were suppose to scroll around the ship and him to create holographic projections back on earth when people called on the holophone. John wasn't sure why, they had only ever been used once for their intended purpose when his Grandmother called in October. His father only ever called on the audio and John kept finding the coding being altered every time he send a distress call through to them back home.

They moved in a way that to John felt invasive, but it could also be his growing paranoia that was making him think that. Everyday his dream was turning into a nightmare, his place of adventure was now a prison cell.

“Hello?” he said to the air in general. Maybe he was starting to finally crack.. It had been eight months since he was home and the silence in the station was getting to him.

“HEY! We got through!”

“V-Virgil?”

“Don't forget me!”

“Allie? How'd how did you?”

“Virgil hacked the computer systems in dad's office and routed it to a remote audio caster.” Alan's voice sounded excited. “We got audio up through the camera systems, but no visual 'cause Virgil doesn't know how to code something that complicated.... but we can talk to you no matter where to are on the station which is awesome!”

“At least till dad works out that I have done it a second time.” Virgil's voice added. “I got into a lot of trouble on my birthday for it.”

“Can you see the meteors up there Johnny?” Alan cut his older brother off. “We're watching from the roof of the house. Is it prettier than down here?”

John sat himself down, back against the glass. “I can't watch it Allie.”

“Why not? Isn't the gravity ring made out of tempered glass? It's clear isn't it? I'm sure I remember it is..”

“It's... it's not that Alan...” John found himself looking at his hands, covered in his own blood, relived his brother's couldn't visually see what he had done. “I just.... watching it makes... makes me miss you guys.”

“We miss you too John.” Virgil's voice sounded really sad. “That's why we're trying to contact you.”

“I know... but you shouldn't. Dad will get very upset and I don't want you in trouble because of me.”

“It's worth every lecture, believe me John. He can't just send you away like this and expect us to forget you exist.”

“Hey Johnny? You remember the little song you use to sing when I was little and sometimes sing with us on the roof?”

“Yeah.”

Unprompted, Alan's voice started singing the tune. He was really rather good too, something he had also picked up from John. Neither of them were musically talented like Scott and his violin, Virgil and the piano or Gordon and his guitar but only both of them could hold a note with their voices.

“Starman, it's time to go to bed, Starman, you need to rest your head. Rest your head on a bed of clouds, look into space and see universal galaxies. Comets dancing across the sky, meteors showering from way up high, Starman you need to rest your head, Starman you need to go to bed.”

John couldn't stop himself if he tried. He broke down into tears.

“Johnny?”

“Sorry Allie... you sound so beautiful.”

“Are you going to come home for christmas? You haven't been home for ages!”

“John? Is dad really going to keep you away from us again this year?”

Virgil looked at Alan who was sitting beside him holding onto the audio caster. Alan looked like he was about to cry as all they could hear from John's end was their older sibling in tears.

“Why is dad doing this?” Alan asked Virgil quietly, so as not to have his voice heard over the caster.

“I don't know but I'm getting tired of it. It isn't fair. John's never done anything to be punished like this. We both know he loves space, but he also likes being able to spend time with us too. This isn't a reward for being a good brother.... this is torture. It's wrong.”

“I've tried to fly up there a few times.” Alan admitted. “Dad manages to somehow re-route the ships systems and then keeps me grounded.” Alan took a deep breath. “After that last rescue I came with you guys on...” he shuddered.

“I know Alan, I was there too. I remember the faces of those children.... and their parents.”

“They wouldn't have died if John was telling us what to do. I know he'd have figured something out to have prevented it.”

“I know Alan.”

“You guys still there?”

“We're still here John.”

“Sorry about that, couldn't help it. I will try much harder next time.”

“It's alright.” Virgil sighed in response to his older brother's voice as he hugged Alan who looked like he was about to cry too. “Guess it's hard to keep control of how you feel up there huh?”

“Heh, a little... yeah. Just a little over worked and the rest of it. If there was more to do up here and maybe if I got to talk to you guys more it wouldn't be so bad.” there was a slight chuckle. “You know bad Gordon smells after he's been swimming down the beach all day?”

“Yeah, it's awful when he refuses to take a shower.”

“Imagine that, but like twenty times worse.”

Alan's nose wrinkled and Virgil looked horrified. “You're joking?”

“Nope. I reckon I smell awful. There's no shower up here. I think I lost my ability to smell anything after the first two months.” there was a snort which could have been mistaken for a genuine smile. John could picture their expressions and it made him start laughing. “Yeah I know, the clean freak with the messy bedroom finally has become a stinky space hobo. Tell you what, when I finally figure out how to crash this puppy back into the planet you can do the honours of chucking me into the pool and maybe get the scissors out and give us a much needed hair cut. I'm pretty sure I've done a lot of damage here using wire cutters... though my attempts have not been half bad. It's still short if that helps.”

Scott stood on the second story balcony and was about to shout at his two younger brothers to get off the roof before their father found them till he heard bouts of loud laughter, something he had not heard for months. Sure he couldn't hear the conversation, but the cheerful mood changed his mind about calling them back inside. They could be let off the hook this one time.

**

It was the day after Scott's twenty fourth birthday and the last thing he wanted to do was deal with was a towering inferno. He was hovering above the building in Thunderbird one and had been trying to find out if there was anyone still trapped in the building, but the information that his father had briefed him on was redundant the second he had left the island. Residents had been evacuated, but the problem was now was it worth risking his own life to search the blazing inferno or wait till Virgil arrived with Gordon and Alan with the firefighting equipment and then try and find any survivors.... which might have died by the time he got in there.

It was not a decision to take lightly.

“Thunderbird one, this is Thunderbird five, do you copy Scott?”

Scott froze. He had not heard John's voice since dad's office.

“Thunderbird one do you copy? Scott, there's a life signal on the third level of the building in the corridors on the north side that's moving around trying to get out. You need to move around to that side to help get them out before they die of smoke inhalation.”

“John?”

“Scott, you have a job to do.”

Scott got a hold of himself. “F.A.B.” Scott shook himself out of it. Someone was finally making his decision for him and for the first time in a rescue, he was grateful. As an ex air force officer he was used to taking orders as much as giving them and in a situation like this he needed someone to take control that was not himself, something their father couldn't do from operating the whole thing from the ground.

John was at the control panel of Thunderbird five, his fingers deftly running over the holoscreen controls and opening up more screens as he went, from diagnostics, to code and rewiring communication channels from the base back at home to the station so he had full control of everything. If Virgil could do it then so could he, and this time he was not about to just sit around and watch like he had been made to every other time his brothers had been sent out to try and be heros. He had shunted all the auxiliary power into the main console to be able to redistribute everything and also lock it so that Brains couldn't hack the system and give his father control again. John liked Brains, he just wished he wasn't so loyal to the old man... and maybe could of helped John try and redesign the entire system, which he had been doing since christmas.

John had figured that his father really had no idea what he was doing up there in space and when you don't give someone with his intelligence something to do, he was going to find another way to entertain himself....

hardwiring all the systems together and coding them to filter through the space station back to earth where all the control can be? Not a chance. John had all the systems and the equipment right in front of him to the job far better than anyone on earth could.

He opened up another holo screen and typed a whole string of code, while glancing up at the ones he had open in relation to Thunderbird one -which showed the controls of the ship, kept the communication channel with Scott going and other things- and started to hack together a channel with Thunderbird two, which he knew wouldn't be too far away.

“Thunderbird two, this is five, what's your ETA to disaster zone.”

“Huh? John? What are you doing on the com link?”

“Don't have time Virgil, need an answer right now.” John replied to the audio feed back and he swiped screens back around and kept typing till his fingers felt like lead on the keypad. The screen that had the schematic of the building he found were starting to flicker in areas where the building's supports were located as the structure was starting to give signs that it was not going to be stable for very long.

“ETA five minutes tops.”

“F.A.B. Virgil, when you land I want you to use the CO2 foam instead of the other stuff Brains had first and keep well clear incase the building collapses. The structural supports are rather weak and won't be able to hold once you guys arrive. Be prepared to pull back on my word.”

“F.A.B.”

John flicked the holoscreens around again and tapped the one in relation to the coms for Scott. He could tell by one of the other screens that showed a cutaway version of the building in wireframe and showed where Scott and his survival were located. It also came up with a whole lot of debris where Scott's exit was.

“Scott, You are going to have to walk back down the opposite direction to where you came in, the roof seems to have collapsed, you'll need to get out the window at the other end of the corridor, be careful the room on the immediate left is at risk of a back draft so DO NOT I repeat DO NOT open it under any circumstances.”

“That's a huge drop Johnny! I can't get out the window without Thunderbird one!”

“Already thought of that Scotty, Going to swing her round remotely.”

“You're what? Can you actually do that?”

“If Brains hasn't figured out how I hacked the whole network between here, home and all the craft then yeah, I'm pretty confident that I'm able to.” he pulled up the communications for Thunderbird two again. “Virgil, the second Thunderbird one pulls away clear from the building, get Gordon and Alan the hell out of there. Once the building collapses on itself it will extinguish most of the flames and the main fire services and take it from there.”

“F.A.B.”

“Right, Scott, I'm going to bring Thunderbird one around to that location ASAP. Better get a move on before the whole building gives way.”

“F.A.B John.”

John swung the holoscreen around behind him where he had plenty of room to load up a holographic view of the internals of Thunderbird one's cockpit, however the setup seemed to struggle, flicking up warning lights that there was not enough power to complete the operation. With a quick movement of his slender fingers he re routed the power and ignored the warnings he was getting about removing it from the back up systems of the space station. When that didn't seem to be enough he shut down all non essential systems to find the remaining power.

“Right,” he muttered grabbing the virtual control sticks and carefully maneuvering the craft around the building towards the other window. He clicked the com feed quickly, “Ok Scott, better hurry I have very limited power to be able to do this.... And I have no blockage on transmissions from father and Brains anymore so if they realise what I'm doing they can take control off me and then we're totally fucked, you got that?”

“F.A.B John. I appreciate this.”

“Just trying to make up for the past year of being shafted, Scott.”

John could see on the holographic readout that Scott was trying to get himself and his new passenger on board while at the same time he took glances at the big red gleaming warning beacon that was flicking up on the left of him indicating that the excess power from the space stations was almost drained and the auxiliary power that had been left running to supply the station with oxygen was cutting out entirely. John knew the system was designed to send a distress call out automatically to his father's office back on earth if anything was to happen out in space, but there wouldn't be a single person who'd get the call.. or at least who'd get the call and do anything about it.

“One last time... One last time..” he mumbled through clenched teeth. “One last time to protect them... to keep them safe. Just grant me that.”

“Alright, we're on board taking controls back now and pulling away!”

“F.A.B Scott.” John replied, finding himself smiling at hearing his older brother's voice and that he was ok. “Relinquishing control now.”

He shut the holographic controls down and everything that was still struggling to function died. Power was completely cut and the only light was coming through the glass from the stars outside the station. There was no sound, not even the gentle hum of the oxygen generator that had driven him crazy the past several months. He had half an hour at the most... he knew that by the time he found the helmet for his space suit he'd already start dying, not that it would have done anything.... he drained all the air out of it when he was hotwiring the space station from the outside several days ago just to overwrite the signals and redirect them to the station and not back home.

“John... John, do you copy? Thanks to you everything worked out A-Ok, mission was a success!”

Scott tried the coms again. He was worried when he realised that all communications with his younger brother had died as suddenly as they had had first filtered through.

“John! Are you there? Did dad cut the transmission?”

“Scotty... no matter what they find up here.... tell them I always loved them.”

“John? What are you... John?!” Scott shouted at the com, but the channel to the space station had gone completely dead.

Suffocation is a slow death when the air is no longer filtering into your lungs, it's gradual and painless as you count every gasp of air you take until you can't take anymore. As the weightlessness of the gravity ring kicked into gear as the ring stopped rotating John could have sworn that asphyxiation was just like going to sleep, without an opportunity to wake up afterwards.

**

“Where's dad? Tell him we have to get up to the space station right now!”

Scott barged into the living room, stalking it with vicious purpose.

“He's been and come back Scott.” Grandma Tracy looked up from her seat around the coffee table. She had a huge photo album open on her knee filled with pictures of her grandsons as babies. “John's in the medical bay, but your father has made the entire area off limits to you boys alright? Your father is busy trying to organise a place to take him in.”

Scott paused. “Take him where?”

“Somewhere he can get help. Your father and I both agree he is in need of it when he awakes. I don't like the idea but your brother's mental state is highly disturbing.”

“What do you mean, 'mental state?' I was just talking to him on our last rescue! He was perfectly sane, infact more so than usual. He saved lives today Grandma, something we are supposed to be doing and been failing miserably at since we started!”

Grandma Tracy frowned at her eldest Grandson. “What are you talking about? Your brother managed to completely block all communications here for hours, and the only time Brains got through was at the end of your mission and it was then we got all these alerts from the Space station, from power shortages, Gravity malfunctions and the complete shutdown of all life support systems on board. Your brother was trying to mask his own suicide Scott.” she said the last part with great sadness, like she didn't want to believe it.

“No.. that can't be...” Scott swallowed. He couldn't believe her words. “He used the entire power of the station to help us out with our rescue.... not to kill himself... he would never.”

“It's your word against ours.” Grandma Tracy said flicking a page of the album over. “I went up with your father.... the station up there....” her voice faltered. “I should have tried to get your father to go up there sooner... the warning signs were all there.”

Scott walked over and sat with his grandmother. “What do you mean by that Grandma? Tell me please?” he rested a hand on the book so he had her full attention.

“He had been writing things all over the walls of the station, mathematical equations, star map references, code.... in his own blood Scott. A lot of it was old, some fairly recent... I took a photo of some so your father could show the institution we send him to.” Grandma Tracy pulled out her phone and loaded the pictures for Scott to see. They were indeed algorithms and computer code, all of which Scott recognised. They were all to do with the communications network on board the station and how to correct its function to make it an open circuit network. Then one picture came up and it sent a chill down his spine. It wasn't like the others, which looked as if the person in question was only writing things down in that fashion because they had no pens or paper on board.

It was a bloody handprint with crude little drawings around it, presumably of himself and his brothers with the message, 'I want to come home.'

John had tried so desperately to keep himself sane, there had been some severe lapses just like this one apparently scattered around the ship amongst all the other highly intelligent scribbles. Truth be told Scott wouldn't have lasted a week up there alone in space but John had been forced to for roughly a year.... it would have been stupid to think it wouldn't eventually affect him.

“What was his condition when you guys brought him in?” Scott asked quietly.

“Unconscious, but he had only just stopped breathing after we docked with the station. He looks like the living dead, Scott. He hasn't seen sunshine for a whole year so he's a pale as anything..... it's hard to tell how sick he is. He's lost a great deal of weight, the suit is supposed to be skin tight but it was so loose he could have worn something belonging to Alan. All his muscle mass is gone, he's just bones. The suit is in shreds down the sleeves and one of the legs from where he'd been slashing at himself with some of the sharp tools up there. He looks terrible Scott... he doesn't look like little Johnny anymore.”

Scott wrapped his arms around her as she stared to cry. All of her grandsons meant the world to her and when their father was busy with his work it was John who picked up all the slack running around after his little siblings... and Scott too come to think of it. Then when their father retired, everything changed.... John was clearly being forced to stay away from them despite how much he tried to do otherwise. Scott remembered how much it bothered his sibling being apart from them and being told he couldn't do as much as he used to with them all anymore. Scott could remember all the conversations he had where his brother stood torn between doing what he knew was right by them and trying to please their old man.... something he never seemed to be able to do. Their father was lucky that John forgave him for all the emotional abuse he had shouldered from him over the years, while not sounding like much... had really shaped the person John grew up to be.

And now this....

Scott let his grandmother go and stood up. “I'm going down there, fuck dad's ban. It's dad who should be sent away for holding John up there as a prisoner.”

“Scotty, don't make this harder than what it already is.”

“No, Grandma I'm calling him out. I've watched how he talks to John for years and this year alone I've noticed he's also started talking to Alan in the same way and I'm going to stop it before it gets worse. Sure, I love dad but it's gone on long enough and it's taken something like this to happen to get anyone to do something about it. I'm disgusted with myself for letting it happen quite frankly so it stops right now.”

And with that Scott turned on his heel and headed out of the living room and down the hidden stairwell that led back towards Brains lab, the Thunderbirds hangers and the medical bay. At least doing this now meant it was over with before his other brother's arrived back to find out.

He found his father Jeff on the phone in the room with John, who was on a respirator.

“Yes, that's right... I'm asking to have my son committed. Yes I understand that.... I know it won't be a quick fix and that he may never recover enough to come back home... but it's his life we're talking about here.”

Scott was furious. He walked up and snatched the mobile phone and smashed it on the floor.

“What's the meaning of this Scott?!” his father demanded. “That was a very important phone call!”

“Get out. You have no right to send John away again, not after what it's done to him. He saved lives today, something we could have done since we first started with his help! But no... you sent him up there telling him he would be useful and left him up there to rot!”

“It was for his own good Scott and he was never left there on his own to hurt himself.”

“No.. it wasn't. You've never done anything for his own good ever! Sure, you've looked after us when you could, even took us on extravagant holidays and things... but you were NEVER really there when we needed you to be. John always was, has been and will be. All he's ever wanted was to have you be damn proud of him, the same way you are with the rest of us but for some reason that I clearly don't understand.. or any of us... you can NEVER SEE THAT.” Scott growled. He had never shouted at their father before but now, at the age of twenty four there was room for a first time. Respect is one thing, but clearly this time there was none to be had.

“Just go... get out and leave me to look after him dad. I only agreed to this stupid rescue organisation as I thought John would be there looking out for us making sure we stayed out of harm's way while we worked.... but since that's clearly not how it is then I don't want to be a part of this stupid thing no more!”

“Don't Scotty.”

Scott froze. His shouting had disturbed his brother and John was looking at him from his resting place, struggling to focus on the people in the room. “Don't say something you're going to regret... Please?”

Scott was quick to get down on his knees by his brother's bedside. Grandma's description didn't cover the half of the amount of damage being left all alone up there in space had done to his sibling, John's usual gentle fine structured features made him look ghostlike, and it was clear he must have had a lot of problems eating in the past few months as holding his hand and squeezing it tight, Scott could feel every single bone and joint in them something he shouldn't have been able to. He looked up and shot their father a glare and held it till Jeff gave up and left the room, leaving John in Scott's care.

“Why Johnny? Why can't I just tell him exactly how I feel about what he's done to you?”

“Because it's not all his fault. It's mine.... for being born and living.”

“Don't you dare say that. There's been plenty of times where we'd have been lost without you, a few occasions where someone could have died. Saving people suits you more than me John, it always has been. Don't you dare ever tell me you should be dead ok?” he stood up and sat on the bed, leaning over and lying beside his younger brother, holding onto him tight.

“I know I wouldn't be here without you.” He said, burying his face into his brother's hair. “Remember that storm when we were 13 – 14? The one that was a break off from the cyclone that had hit the mainland? You came looking for me because I was still outside in it.”

“Tree branch wasn't it?”

“Yeah. I was stuck, and you tried to pull me free. In the wind, rain and hail... you Johnny tried to get me free, get me safe. I remember all the shouting you did, trying to convince me to stop being a melodramatic baby... till another one fell out of the trees. You protected me from being hit in the head from it. I still remember the scream you let out when it hit you across the shoulders, dislocating this one..” Scott squeezed John's left shoulder. “That's why you're ambidextrous, cause you could no longer write with your left hand for months after that.”

“It should have killed me, but it didn't... because you saved me. You wouldn't let go of me till the storm ended, till Kyrano found us. Heck I still recall you trailing around after me days later making sure I was alright when you should have been still in bed!” Scott found himself letting out an amused snort. “The amount of times Alan owes you are countless.... Gordon could have drowned on a few occasions – don't look at me like that, Alan told me because he didn't like you lying about Gordon being an idiot and covering up his own stupidity – I'm sure Virgil would have something to say about it too... he's never had to touch anti- depressants because of you and your ability to talk about things I know I couldn't in a million years.... We need you... though frankly I think you need us like you need a hole in your head.”

“Not true.” John gave his brother a weak smile. “I do more than you can imagine. I would have done myself in if it wasn't for Virgil hacking through the systems to talk to me. He even got Alan to sing songs to me, the cheap bastard.” there was quite a bit of humour in that last sentence, something not many would have picked up if they were not familiar with John's really dry sense of comedy.

“You always make sure I'm put in my place.... and Gordon.. well, let's just say he's a reminder that I'm the bigger idiot out of the five of us and he's trying to take that from me.”

This made Scott start to laugh. “Trying to palm that trophy I bought you years ago onto Gordo huh?”

“Heck no, why the hell would Gordie want that ugly arsed thing? I only keep it because it pisses him off to think I'm WAY more EMBARRASSING than he is.” Scott swore his brother was smiling under the respirator mask. “Gives me an edge on him.”

“John, hate to break this news to you, but you ARE the most embarrassing little brother I have. You're a damn worry wort, a fuss pot, straight talking blunt bastard and yet.... you cook far better than any girl I've ever dated, sing songs like a damn bird and despite you being all legs - you're a damn good Gymnast with bloody medals at university for it, how you put yourself through college just... WHY JOHN?”

“Hey... I met a lot of really pretty ladies at those bachelorette parties, don't knock the chip and dales....” John said straight faced and Scott couldn't help but laugh harder when his brother raised an eyebrow as if to ask if they were seriously going to talk about one of the most humiliating things John has ever done in his whole life while he was currently laid up and couldn't punch Scott afterward. “I see your point, however I raise you a naked nudey run around the island after a few beers when this shit is all over.”

“With Kayo on the island?”

“You better believe it. Dad's friend's daughter too... Penny isn't it?”

“Exibitionist.”

“Only in the comfort of my own home, Scotty. We have Gordie for that other type of thing.”

“God I have missed you and you idiocentricity.” Scott hugged John tight, forgetting his brother was in that bed for a reason because he was currently so frail. He let go when he realised John was having problems trying to breathe.

“Are the others ok?”

“Yeah, they pulled out the second You pulled Thunderbird one away.”

“Good.”

Scott could feel his brother relax. The question about his other sibling had been weight in the whole time Scott had been present.

“They are going to want to hug you, you know…” Scott said amused. He let that sink in.

“Oh gawds…”

“Want me to stop them?”

“Yes please, for now.”

Scott sat up and patted his brother on the arm. “I’ll let them know you’re alright. I’d rather none of them knew what Grandma just told me.”

“Did she? Fuck.”  
“Language Johnny.”

“Get bent, Scotty.”

“Just get some rest John.”


End file.
